The part of me I don't let anyone see

The part of me I don't let anyone see. This is a tough one. The other things I write about I feel confidant in, this one, not so much.  Its anxiety.  I deal with anxiety so intense that it takes over my life, it makes daily routines hard to do and anything extra is nearly traumatic. Some people know that I deal with anxiety.  But most people see me deal with it in a funny way, in a 'laugh it off and make a joke way'. Not the real, panic attack, hyperventilate and cry way that is the reality. My poor husband gets to deal with the mess that I am before an event or before a family gathering.  He gets to deal with me freaking out, yelling, asking if I can just stay home and holding his hand because its the only thing from keeping me from slipping down a very deep dark hole. The thought of the noise, the people and the unknown makes me cringe now just thinking about it. When people DO for some reason catch me acting off,  being scared at nothing and everything and pacing back and forth they look at me like im crazy. Which I am, in that moment at least, which is why I hide it. Because how do you explain feeling out of control, scared and overwhelmed when doing things that people do every day? How come I can't just do those things? Those every day things that people do? And if I have no clue I sure as hell don't want to try and describe why to someone who has no clue how it feels to have your body hurt from stress. Or how it feels to have your brain shut down in a way that makes you stutter . My husband used to tell me to 'plan better' 'do things to get ahead of the game' etc. But soon saw that it doesn't matter if I have it all mapped out or not, if that panic hits I am shutting down.  Completely and totally and the only thing to do is lead me through it till it's done. Its the worst feeling ever. So there's my secret me. The one I dont like people to see. The one I dont like to explain. The one that I try to hide. The one Id like to keep hidden.

Family life

Its often that I find myself on the phone with my dad talking about the things Im grateful for and the things we can so easily take for granted. I commented the other night that we have so much more than some people could ever imagine. Most importantly, for me, my kids know they are loved.  They know they have a safe warm house to come home to and that mommy and daddy love them and will take care of them. Its incredibly important to Ben and I that we raise children with family in mind. That means dinner together at night, breakfast together in the morning and probably less activities than most families participate in. We have very young children so as we get older compromises will be made and we'll be working more around schedules etc. I also work at night which means I miss a few dinners a week and ben leaves early in the am so I do brekfast. Its differant but we make it work. We make it work because being a strong family unit is important to us. And to me, a lot of being a family comes from being around a table,  eating together and sharing your day. A lot of my happiest memories come from being around a table, my family close to me and a made from scratch meal in front of me. It's where the grownups talked about life, jobs, farming and crops and us kids had our fill of mashed potatoes,  meat, veggies and desserts before running off to play. I want that for our children. And while it's probably unconventional nowadays to push for family dinners and hot breakfasts, we're trying to make that tradition our own.

Friends

I was texting a friend this morning and it struck me that I am very lucky to have the women in my life that I do. I have a very small group of friends whom I have been friends with for a very long time. We have been through a whole lot of shit together and we've made it through. We talk about anything and everything and we trust  and value the others opinions.  Ive shared my life with these women and we've been through marriage, divorce, love or lack there of, good times, bad times, times when we were so broke we were barely making rent and times when we were buying dinner for eachother. Im so lucky to have them in my life and Ill tell you why. Never have been scared or ashamed to tell them something. I know that I can go to these ladies with anything and it will be met with love, probably with laughs and some sort of solution. But we have always raised each other up, rather than tear eachother down.
The other night I had a few women over for a Pure Haven party.  We had pizza and wine , we learned about some new product's and we laughed and talked. I told my husband after that I didn't realize how badly I was needing a night of girl time. I always try to make sure my husband and I get date nights but a girls night is harder to  come by! But it was so good for my soul.
Women need to help each other,  love each other and be there for one another. There is a whole lot of negativity in the world, pick some women to lift you up, laugh with and share with. It will make your life so much better. 💖💖💖💖

To the girl whose heart was broken

Recently my sister  (19 years old) told me about her friend who'd just had her heart crushed by a boy.  More specifically,  by a boy who no longer wanted to be with her. And my heart hurt for her. Because Ive been there. I've felt that unimaginable hurt that feels as if it will never end. I know what if feels like to want someone so badly you'd do just about anything to make them want you back.
There was once a time when I thought Id met the man I would marry. He was so cute and he made me laugh. He was the first love of my life and I thought we'd be together forever. And then suddenly we weren't together. Well.....not suddenly.  Really it had been 2 years of on again off again, 2 years of drama,2 years when I put him before most other things and where he put me last. Not always! But enough that I should have known that I desearved better. I should have remembered that I was really a pretty cool chick who had a lot of things going for her and that I wasnt just his girlfriend. But it was so easy to forget because when we were together we had so much fun and when we were apart I felt like I could never be with anyone else. But then life is funny isnt it? It pushes us forward even when we dont want to be pushed. And the world just keeps spinning even though we want to stand still. Id like to give some magical end to this where after this point I met my husband and we lived happily ever after. But thats not the case. There were 2 long relationships after my first love that were hard to let go of. And one that I let go of way too fast and didn't appreciate for what it could have been. But through each one I found a little more of myself.  I found the person I am and am supposed to be. No longer that guys girlfriend but me. And when I did meet my husband one drunken night in a bar (yes in a bar) I wasnt afraid to just be myself. Which sometimes he loves and other times could do without hahaha. But he accepted me for me.....more importantly I accepted me for me.
So to the girl hurting and crying. Remember that men are fairly transparent.  Take what hes saying in and move on. Realize that it hurts now but it wont hurt forever. Know that you're one pretty cool chick and that the rest will fall into place. :)

Letting my husband 'be the boss'

Probably the hardest part of marriage, or any relationship I've had,  has been the push and pull of 'control'. I am very strong willed, independent and opinionated, I want what I want and usually I want it now. Now, motherhood helped that I lot because literally I get nothing when i want it only to ensure that 3 little people's demands are met nearly on command. Hahaha. But I do believe that in a relationship someone needs to have the final say. For us, that person is my husband.  Let me be clear that all of our decisions are made jointly and the big ones are at length with both sides being taken into consideration. BUT if we're at a stand still and don't agree my husband gets the final say. There are many reasons for this but the bottom line is that what he says goes. Now if that decision happens to be the wrong one I am still my loud opinionated self. (Hahahah) When I tell people this though they are very perplexed and very put off. I can see it on their faces and hear it in their silence. One friend even told me 'that sounds awful.' And I fully admit sometimes its a bitch! And sometimes I don't like knowing that I can argue all I want but if he's got his mind set we're not doing X Y or Z. But its what works for us. And it works, in part, because I give up a little of my need for control and trust in my husband.  I trust that he has our best interest at heart, I trust that he knows what he's doing and that he is making his decision with care. I've seen him compromise plenty of times, especially in the interest of our family and I trust that he always wants to do right by us. So in the end I relinquished my control and lost some selfishness, and its worth it every day.

Challenging the 'modern feminist'

I've struggled a lot lately with what being a woman should entail. If you listen to the media, look at magazines or watch TV you'll see a lot of different types of women. What You Won't See Much of is the 'traditional' woman. You wont see a stay at home mother, a woman in the kitchen (how archaic gasp) or a woman cleaning a bathroom. For ME being a woman is all of these things. I take pride in staying home with my babies during the day, in making my own bread, in baking cookies and making dinner for my family. And that 'type' of women is no longer reprensented. For some reason that woman isn't important any longer. We're taught that we can have it all, but somehow not needing 'it all' (whatever the hell 'it all' is) makes us less.  Why? Where has the traditional woman gone and why is her presence somehow offensive to so many people?

Time to get back to it

So its been awhile! But I thought that maybe it was time to get back to doing something that I love. SO the blog has been re opened and will move forward with funny mom tales, the daily stay at home mom life and the ever changing world and my views on its craziness.