The part of me I don't let anyone see. This is a tough one. The other things I write about I feel confidant in, this one, not so much. Its anxiety. I deal with anxiety so intense that it takes over my life, it makes daily routines hard to do and anything extra is nearly traumatic. Some people know that I deal with anxiety. But most people see me deal with it in a funny way, in a 'laugh it off and make a joke way'. Not the real, panic attack, hyperventilate and cry way that is the reality. My poor husband gets to deal with the mess that I am before an event or before a family gathering. He gets to deal with me freaking out, yelling, asking if I can just stay home and holding his hand because its the only thing from keeping me from slipping down a very deep dark hole. The thought of the noise, the people and the unknown makes me cringe now just thinking about it. When people DO for some reason catch me acting off, being scared at nothing and everything and pacing back and forth they look at me like im crazy. Which I am, in that moment at least, which is why I hide it. Because how do you explain feeling out of control, scared and overwhelmed when doing things that people do every day? How come I can't just do those things? Those every day things that people do? And if I have no clue I sure as hell don't want to try and describe why to someone who has no clue how it feels to have your body hurt from stress. Or how it feels to have your brain shut down in a way that makes you stutter . My husband used to tell me to 'plan better' 'do things to get ahead of the game' etc. But soon saw that it doesn't matter if I have it all mapped out or not, if that panic hits I am shutting down. Completely and totally and the only thing to do is lead me through it till it's done. Its the worst feeling ever. So there's my secret me. The one I dont like people to see. The one I dont like to explain. The one that I try to hide. The one Id like to keep hidden.
